My Motherhood Journey
It was the middle of December and I had my yearly checkup. I have PCOS, so motherhood seemed like an impossible dream. So, when they ran a pregnancy test because I had been sexually active in September but, y’all I was not even remotely worried about it. Like being pregnant did not seem like even a slim possibility.
When they told me that I was pregnant I was in shock, and I made them re-do the test. And even when the 2nd test came back positive I still didn’t believe it.
When it finally sunk in, I was distraught. I felt like my life was over. I was terrified about how everything was going to play out. My mental health was abysmal, I didn’t have a job, I hadn’t finished school yet and just nothing was like I thought it was going to be when I had a child.
I left the exam room and I was absolutely hysterical. I was sobbing while I waited to make my ultrasound appointment. Those ten minutes while I sat in the waiting room felt like the most isolating minutes of my life so far. This was not how I pictured entering motherhood.
Telling my family:
Keeping myself together long enough to drive home was a struggle. I was crying on and off the whole drive home but once I got home and everyone went to sleep, I completely lost it. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed until I felt like I was gonna puke.
What was I going to do?. Was I going to keep the pregnancy? If I did was I going to keep the baby? How was I going to tell the father? How was he going to react? What would motherhood be like?
Was I even ready for motherhood?
There were so many variables and unknowns that I just had no clue how my life was going to look for the next few months.
Telling my family was incredibly nerve-wracking. I had no clue how they would react. Were they going to be happy, sad, angry? Would I be able to stay until I get myself settled more? Would I be kicked out if I kept the baby? But I feared it wouldn’t be good. And I was both right and wrong at the same time.
Most of them took it well, but my dad was furious. And it was heartbreaking. At this point in my pregnancy I had a lot of shame, I had a lot of guilt and I had a lot of resentment. I didn’t think that I was ready for motherhood. And him being so angry at me just amplified all of this.
My journey to motherhood was clouded with fear and shame in equal measure.
Telling the father:
After the debacle of telling my family I was very raw emotionally. So, I was nervous now about telling the father, because what if he reacted badly too?
When I first told him, I didn’t have much information except a rough estimate of how far along I was and the fact that it was his. He was skeptical that it was his and more or less called me a slut. Accusing me of sleeping around and that there was no way my child could be his because I had to have slept with several people since then. All of which was false.
I was offended that he would insinuate that I wouldn’t know who the father was. While I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with sleeping around (unless you’re in a committed monogamous relationship of course). But I wasn’t doing that, and I knew full well that he was the father.
His reaction had me strongly considering if single motherhood was the right option for me.
The moment my life changed:
When I first found out I was pregnant I told him that I would text him when I had more information. And I did just that, then suddenly he’s blowing up my phone. Up until this point we had never talked on the phone y’all, just texted, so I was confused as hell. I answer the phone and it’s a woman’s voice on the other end.
I asked him point-blank, multiple times, if he was seeing anyone and surprise surprise, he said no. I was beyond words.
This woman starts tearing me a new one and interrogating me about why I’m texting her husband. So, I tell her flat out that her husband cheated and got me pregnant.
This was a situation I never imagined myself being in. I could never imagine cheating on someone or sleeping with someone that I knew had a partner. But that’s the thing y’all, I didn’t know.
I can do everything I’m supposed to do and check in every way that I can to see if he has a partner, but he can lie, and I’ll never know. It shouldn’t be necessary to hire a private investigator every time I plan on sleeping with someone just to make sure that they aren’t secretly married.
I will never understand how the blame fell on me for an ignorance that her husband instilled in me. Why she would rather be mad at someone who was lied to and dragged into a situation that they never wanted to be a part of than her husband, who actively and knowingly cheated.
But that’s where we were.
How I handled my sh*t:
This man who cheated on his wife, pulled me into his circle and all around just knowingly acted like a complete monster, came at me as if I was the one in the wrong. He told me to get an abortion, cursed me out and told me that he didn’t care at all about me or my son.
I was done. From that moment, I decided that he would have no part of my life anymore, nor my son’s. No on will be in my son’s life that doesn’t want to be there. I am not going to force anyone to be apart of my child’s life.
I can make myself and my son available to spend time with, but they have to put in some effort.
My son’s father then had the audacity to text me after the wife debacle and tell me that he was sorry for how SHE acted. Um, excuse me, what?? You’re sorry about her behavior? Her ire may have been directed at the wrong person, but it was understandable.
Him on the other hand, he went into this knowing full well that he was doing something wrong. He knew that he was cheating on his wife. Her behavior isn’t what was wrong here, it was his. I cannot believe that he had the balls to say that to me, or anyone truly.
But his reaction made me fully committed to my impending single motherhood.
The delivery room:
My son did not want to come out! I was two weeks overdue and he showed no signs that he was coming any time soon. I had to be induced, which sucked. Ultimately, I ended up needing a c-section, and I wasn’t happy about this either.
I think the hardest part of it though was trying to figure out who was going to be in the room with me. Normally you would have your partner in with you, but I didn’t have one. It couldn’t be my mom because she had to work, and I had no close female relatives that could do it.
So, I chose my brother. And on the surface that seems weird. I’ve had many people look at me like I have three heads after hearing my brother was in the operating room with me. But he sees this sort of thing all the time at his job and I knew that he would be able to keep me calm during a time that I would be the most stressed.
And y’all it ended up not being weird at all. He was calm and reassuring and even when I was puking my guts out into a bag he was holding he made sure that I felt comfortable. It was the best situation that I could have asked for. And because he was there him and my son will forever have a special bond.
My brother was the first person to hold my son. He cut his umbilical cord, and he was the first person to see him open his beautiful brown eyes. And because of this no matter how often they see each other or how far away they may live I know that the two of them will forever be connected.
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